New Submission!

New Submission!

Postby AresBlaze » Tue Aug 12, 2014 12:02 am

After a while of switching between neglecting this and working diligently, I've managed to pump out a rough draft of a creature I had in mind. It's not extremely special mind you, besides the fact that it's an oversized peregrine to fit the need of level 10+ creatures in the High Rise District.

Sorry if I went a bit overboard with the writing length and the programming errors that are most undoubtedly there; I got excited.
Giant Falcon
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Re: New Submission!

Postby Wahn » Tue Aug 12, 2014 12:54 am

Okay, let me have a look...

Err, you built it into a file? That won`t do. The file name has to match what you wrote in the first line of the code. In this case, it needs to be "Giant Falcon For FS.i7x"

An interesting read, though there are some points that do need some attention:
- Standardized formatting is 5 blanks at the start of each say text.
- Do use [WaitLineBreak] to divide up your text into readable chunks. Players are unlikely to read anything that covers their whole scrern in one go. Just add a say"[WaitLineBreak]"; every 2 paragraphs.
- Some formulations seem a bit odd. For example a 'vent' on the bird.
- While your ending is creative, it really falls outside the scope endings are generally meant to encompass. They are meant more for personal fate than generation-encompassing monologues about the future. Also, your ending does not fit to Nuku`s canon - the FS MUD reflects the infection`s aftermath.
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Re: New Submission!

Postby Xenophiliac » Tue Aug 12, 2014 1:35 am

After a while of switching between neglecting this and working diligently, I've managed to pump out a rough draft of a creature I had in mind. It's not extremely special mind you, besides the fact that it's an oversized peregrine to fit the need of level 10+ creatures in the High Rise District.

Sorry if I went a bit overboard with the writing length and the programming errors that are most undoubtedly there; I got excited.

I hope that I don't come off as snobby for critiquing your dude when i'm also relatively new to this, but I wanted to take a look at it & see if I could help and share what i've figured out and what the people around here have showed me. Once again, sorry if i'm out of place :?

Firstly, you'll probably wanna put your dude into an Inform 7 Extension file instead of a project/story file. Can just copy/paste code into an extension file.
-The area entry should be "High" instead of High Rise District. Most of the areas aren't named their exact name in the code
-all the face/body entries, including the changing entries, shouldn't have periods in the description text. FS adds periods at the end of each entry. (Which is really weird)
-Your template description with the text [templatedesc] isn't renamed to the [giantfalcondesc]
-The Inform 7 system works with tab indentations to determine how things are structured. A lot of your Say/If/Otherwise commands were misplaced tab-wise, or had spaces+tabs, which causes issues. (I7's tab system took me forever to friggin figure out :/)
-You'll have to define an item if you want a creature to drop something. You have an item listed as droppable, but the item doesn't yet "exist." It's only a few short lines of code to implement one though, not really a big deal.
-[cock type of player] i believe is just [cock of player]
Otherwise I think that might be it, code-wise, besides a few missing punctuation stuff. You'll have to have someone more qualified than me go through story. I have a fixed version if you want to take a look at it.
Once again, hope I don't come off as out of place for going through this :?
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Man ideas are weird.
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Re: New Submission!

Postby AresBlaze » Tue Aug 12, 2014 7:46 am

Alright guys, thanks for replying! I'll be sure to get fixing and improving as soon as I can.
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Re: New Submission!

Postby Blue Bishop » Fri Aug 15, 2014 4:41 pm

I've started sinking my talons into the encounter to give you some more precise feedback:

    Initial assessments:
  • Starting off with your opener, there's a lack of variance for player compliance. In laymens, the text assumes you fought the monster when you could've just submitted to them outright.

    The best way to handle this is a "Token Referential" at the start of the encounter differentiating between the two. A simple example of how this would work, in theory, is thus:
    Code: Select all
    [if hp of player > 0]Surrendering to the creature[otherwise]Too weak to fight the creature any longer[end if], they pin you to the ground.

    The distinction is also important for determining player response to a situation. If a player lost the fight, you should have alt text display that they are fighting against their own need and those of the assailant, while players who submitted (or are submissive) are more willing to attend to the needs of each other. Another example:
    Code: Select all
    As the creature moves to penetrate you, [if hp of player > 0 or player is submissive]an eager moan is forced from your lips[otherwise]you groan and impotently struggle[end if] as it's forced past your hole.

  • Moving on, the entire encounter is assumptive of player attire. It's perfectly reasonable to expect a humanoid character to have clothing of some sort, but more bizarre infections simply cannot support it. I don't see myself wearing jeans as a feral sea dragon, is what I'm saying.

    In most cases, I make vague references to attire, such as:
    Code: Select all
    Removing and anything from obstructing his path.

    , or
    Code: Select all
    Removing any attire you might've had.

    Exacting details on attire isn't one of Flexible Survival's strength, since we don't have a robust system of attire. A token mention does help "Create" the situation, so it's not entirely worthless to mention.

    Handling sex priorities:
  • First off, there's a certain lack of penetrative clarity in Scene A [cock-particular]. It's very clear what the player is doing (though why they are doing this is suspect, a perfectly lucid, unaroused character would not be interested in this sort of interaction), but what the monster is doing is needlessly vague and glossed over. I should probably give you a breakdown on the template formula for sex functions before moving forward:

    1-Hard gimmick scene: On the top of your encounter, always put the hardest and most fetishistic content here. Usually this is where "Touched By Madness" content goes. This isn't pertinent here but it's important to highlight.
    2-Soft gimmick scene: Under hard gimmicks are soft gimmicks. These are particular, quirky things a monster might do, and generally entails softer fetishistic content (From as hard to vore/unbirth to as soft as, say, rimming). Also not pertinent, so moving on.
    3-Standard Anal scene: This is your buggery section, both in terms of player catching or (for peculiar monsters) monster catching. It's worth noting that this isn't just for M/M content, and you want to give females a chance to take it up the ass if that's their thing and if the monster's "Gimmick" isn't strictly reproductive (Which is a bit blase, I must remark).
    4-Cunt-particular scene: This entails player or monster catching.
    5-Oral monster receiving scene: It's important to note that all scenes above are "rolled" (an example will be provided), and as such this scene is what players get when all rolls or criteria fails. Since it's the player interacting with the monster's genitals and nothing else, any player can do it regardless of appearance, stats, etc.

    Here is an example of how it plays out, coding wise:
    Code: Select all
    to say malemonstervictorsex:
       if "Touched by Madness" is listed in feats of player (and a random chance of 1 in 5 succeeds or ("Kinky" is listed in feats of player and a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds)):
          say "Hard Gimmick Scene.";
       otherwise if vorelevel is not 1 and (a random chance of 1 in 4 succeeds or (vorelevel is 3 and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds)):
          say "Soft Gimmick Scene (in this case it'd be vore-particular).";
       otherwise if anallevel is not 1 and (cunts of player is 0 or anallevel is 3) and (a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds or (anallevel is 3 and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds)):
           say "Anal scene.";
       otherwise if cunts of player > 0 and a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds:
          say "Cunt scene.";
          say "Oral Giving scene.";

    Of course, nobody's saying you have to strictly adhere to this formula, but it's a good place to start from, and when deviating from it it's important to ask questions to yourself of about why you might.

    Handling player gender and preference:
  • The first scene in question does try to skirt around anal penetration -- the implication being that this isn't the creator's thing, though scenes further down may say otherwise -- and while I'll give points for creativity it doesn't really fix the issue and it really doesn't quite work. From an angle of players who are into getting impaled by a giant bird creature, it's unsatisfactory, and from a "feather-job" perspective, its execution is also unsatisfactory because it feels arbitrarily placed; it's there not for the love of the act, but rather for another reason altogether.

    The better answer, altogether, would simply be to not have an anal penetration scene whatsoever, but I'll go into the issues of executing that further on.

    Handling player scale and cunt-particular penetration:
  • The cunt-particular scene is fine at its core, but the scene is assumptive of two things: how big the player is, and how well endowed they are.

    The scene ostensibly assumes that the player is human-sized in both their height and in their ability to take dick, but neither are necessarily true. Of course, the bird could be so big that a maximum-scale player at maximum asset size could still be overwhelmed, but if that were the case then it's entirely reasonable to assume that the skyscraper wouldn't be able to support the beast's weight.

    It's all about skillful referentials, which will allow you to make the scene you want without it getting too wildly complex. Here is one such example:
    Code: Select all
    [if cunt length of player > 14]In spite of your asset's impressive [otherwise]the beast disregarding your meagre[end if] size, your lips strain to contain his throbbing meat.

    , or
    Code: Select all
    As it's forced past your supple lips, [if cunt length of player > 14]your manage to abide its impressive girth easily[otherwise]your body strains to abide its impressive girth[end if], barely giving you a chance to fully acclimate before he proceeds to pound you.

    Player snubs and making an inclusive environment:
  • The final scene, which is only available to neuters, is what is defined as a "Snub scene". Specifically, it's a scene, regardless of having any sex or not, which scolds the player for not being an arbitrary gender. These are a big no-no. And were once prevalent in the game until I personally came along to amend it.

    No encounter is more unpleasant and takes you out of the game more than an encounter that gives you shit because your not the gender the writer wants you to be. I have to take a really hard stance on this because it's simply not acceptable and it's the quickest way for your encounter to be edited, without consent, post-release.

    The best situation, if you're not particularly keen on M/M content is, like I said before, an oral receiving scene, since any player gender can experience it. There's a certain desire to telegraph what the player must do to get content, but it's not worth it if it's packaged as the player being told they've made a mistake; submissive players certainly want to be "punished", but it's better to give them (The, ideally, really big) carrot and not the stick.

    And really, anal catching is very straightforward from a development standpoint. Simply copy the cunt catching and find/replace all entries of "Cunt" with "Ass". Done.

    Token Referrential's and quantifying the player:
  • This is much more advanced discussion, but it's fairly easy in execution.

    Players cannot directly interact in sex; players generally encounter a monster, lose to them, and then get a block of text saying what happens, without any input on the player's part. This is a natural byproduct of the design (Also, submissive players are rather keen on a lack of choice, which is more for dominant players), but it compensated for in some way.

    Because the player cannot interact with the scene it's important, then, for the scene to interact with the player instead, and this is done by effectively quantifying the player's appearance and attributes in a way that feels robust. Now, since there's so many variations to player's appearance and attributes out there, this seems unfeasible--it'd take forever to quantify everything! This is certainly true, but there are tricks to achieve the same effect with little work, and these are called "Token Referentials".

    A token referential is a minor bit of alt text that has little to no impact on the scene itself, but acknowledges something about the player. An effective spread of these gives the impression that the player's appearance matters, even if it's not being directly addressed. A good example is multiple cunts/cocks.

    Now, you can easily imagine the player having a large array of genitalia as being a nuisance that will overcomplicate your scene, and you're right, but you don't need to interact with it all the time, simply reference. Here is an example:
    Code: Select all
    The beast penetrates[if cunts of player > 1] one of[end if] your cunt[sfn]

    Code: Select all
    The beast rides[if cunts of player > 1] one of[end if] your cock[smn]

    Now, even though you've mentioned it, you've done nothing with it, and since you've identified that you're only interacting with one of them, you can continue on referring to the genital in the singular without any complication.

    Other examples are things like body navigation and scale:
    Code: Select all
    You [if scalevalue of player > 3]move over[otherwise]climb on top of[end if] the creature

    Or herm referentials for cunt catching:
    Code: Select all
    You orgasm, [if cocks of player > 0]unattended dick[smn] firing off your [cum load size of player] load into the open air[otherwise]stuffed cunt eagerly clenching against its thick invader[end if]

    (Which works especially well when copying over the scene for anal, just add an unattended cunt-particular recognition as an otherwise to the cock, since the cock will always be the most apparent in orgasm)

    Player victory structure:
  • There's a consistency issue with player victory requirements. Specifically, it should be:
    Code: Select all
    if (cocks of player > 0 or cunts of player > 0) and (libido of player > 39 or "Dominant" is listed in feats of player):

    There's a rule of thumb that dominant players always get to have dominant sex with monster, regardless of libido.

    Otherwise, the otherwise at the end of it is entirely unnecessary.

    And I'm done!
  • Agluglgulhgh, I'm suffocating in haze of my own farts.

I'm sure there's more stuff I missed, but that's a crash course in the school of depravity, and I think it'll suffice for now.
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Re: New Submission!

Postby TigerStripes » Fri Aug 15, 2014 7:27 pm

I'm going over your submission right now and there's a few points I've come across. Some good stuff, but a few things I'd like to point out that the others haven't covered.
- The description scene with the bird's revelation is good, but it seems much more like a one-time thing. It's good for now, but a future improvement would be to make the current description the 'first-time' description and then make a second description that focuses more on the creature's appearance.
- And speaking of, it's clearly implied that the bird is gigantic, but how large are we talking? Some mention of its size, either as a (vague) measurement or by general comparison, would be appreciated. Examples of this include: "The mighty bird glaring down at you is well over fifty feet tall from talons to beak." or "The mighty bird glaring down at you is well over five stories tall from talons to beak." or "The mighty bird glaring down at you as big as a small apartment building (jumbo jet/whatever) and would be easily able to carry off any of the cars around you in its giant talons." Without something to ballpark it, a 'giant falcon' could range anything from human sized to car to bus, house or more depending on who's imagining it.
- Similarly, how large is its equipment? Even if you don't state it directly to the player, it is good for you to have an approximate idea of that in your head for later scene composition and, as Blue Bishop pointed out, for size comparison against the player and their own equipment.
- It is worth noting that the creature cannot actually be an enlarged falcon that once lived in the city, as the nanites did not uplift/enhance/infect any creatures other than humans. The player does not necessarily know this, so they can of course make that false assumption, but it is worth clarifying so you don't think that to be the case. I know there's been some fudging on this before, but we should try to adhere to Nuku's guidelines when we can.

- The player loss scenes should be reordered, as currently herms get the feathery frot scene instead of vaginal sex, which seems to be the bird's intended goal.
Code: Select all
   if cunts of player > 0:
      say "<F/H vaginal scene>";
   otherwise if cocks of player > 0:
      say "<M frot scene>";
      say "<Neuter scene>";

- As noted, there's no guarantee the player's in pants/clothing. Generally, I go with phrasing like "removing your gear" and "stripping you down of any obstructing clothing and equipment".
- Personally, I like the male loss scene having the player trying to get some fun out of it, though at least some mention that you're getting fucked as well is needed. It just seems like the bird sits on you and lets you jerk off into his feathers, despite the fact that he'll fuck a neuter player out of frustration. If such scenes don't do it for you, you can keep it limited and emphasize the player's focus on 'the good part', but it does seem lacking not being mentioned at all except for being sore at the end like it somehow happened after they passed out.
- Depending on the size of the bird, it is possible that he is too large for most any player to take comfortably. Clarifying its size would help make this clearer. As suggested, future tweaking could make mention of how even a player's oversized pussy or huge body is still stretched wildly by the avian monstrosity.
- The neuter anal scene is odd, giving a "rather mild ride" even though it's described as a "massive breeding tool" inside the players "comparatively small cunt". You need not write a detailed or extensive anal scene if you don't want to, but tweaking them so they're size consistent would be nice. Perhaps something like:
Code: Select all
say "     You hit the floor of the nest with an audible [italic type]thud[roman type], and receive a few gashes from the sharp pieces of scrap. The bird of prey wastes no time forcing you into a submissive position. Any clothing or gear you have ends up shredded or tossed aside in his eagerness to divest you of any obstructions, only to be severely disappointed by your lack of vagina or any genitals at all.  So instead he makes do by grinding against your anus until his giant prick comes out.  He pushes the mighty tool into you, your body forced to deal with the titanic intruder.  You grit your teeth and grab white-knuckled onto some debris, holding tight.  Thankfully he gives you a rather mild ride, but he's driven it fully into you and it is still quite the ordeal for your abused body to deal with until he lets out a rather pathetic and unsatisfied orgasm that provides him with only minimal relief.";
say "     After that, he has little interest in you and lets you gather up your gear and climb out of his nest.  It is tough going, your body (as ass especially) aching from the titanic penetration.  He makes no effort to stop you while you make your way to the staircase, instead fixing his gaze on the streets below in his search for more suitable prey.";

I'd also suggest you use a few applicable portions of that to go into the male loss scene so they are consistent as far as the falcon goes. You can then emphasize the player's use of grinding against the feathery body as an attempt to wring some pleasure out of the situation or to better distract themselves while the rough ride is going on.

- The player victory scenes seem good. The female/herm scene certainly provides some play we don't see as often.

- As noted, more description to better insert the player's current form into the scenes would be nice and are a point to look into for your next revision. I recently gave similar feedback to another of the new devs HERE. You can also see an extensive post on descriptive elements in the New Mechanics and Additions thread.

- There's some issues with your infection and tf change elements.
--- While most of the infection description portions are okay, the 'skin entry' isn't properly formatted. It should be phrased such that it ends expecting "skin" to be added afterwards. Ideally, it would also be kept to a single word or short phrase that could be inserted into a scene, but that often doesn't occur. You seem to have removed the cock entry entirely. This WILL cause errors, even if your creature's target gender is female. It must be there and should be formatted as a single adjective (or random/conditional set of single adjectives).
--- The tf change elements (xxxx change entry) are improperly formatted. The infection subroutine will automatically be adding "Your <something> feels funny as " or something similar to that before displaying the appropriate change entry text. This means you should only be including text to follow that lead in and begin with a lower case letter.

- Endings:
--- The player survival ending should have the player being rescued/extracted by the military, otherwise it will conflict with pretty much every NPC and pet ending in the game. This means that some portions of those endings will need to be changed, though some of it can be recovered and repurposed by having the player grow disenchanted with 'normal life' and go seeking their place in the world elsewhere.
--- Overall your succumb ending's good, though the player doesn't really seem to do enough to have the giant falcons win and take over as thoroughly as it implies that they do. Toning it back a little by saying that "their nests on quite a few the skyscrapers across the land" and emphasizing how "the little prey creatures exploring the ruined cities and out on the wastes are occasionally snatched up for food or for play by the sharp-eyed falcons, a constant threat near their roosts." would help adjust this and also show them as a significant threat in this new world.

I'd say you're off to a good start overall, mainly just needing some light tweaking and some important corrections to a few technical elements before this can be posted and activated into the game. It would benefit from some additional revision and sprucing up after that, but that can come after.
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