Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Insalius » Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:13 pm

I've been following the game for a long time and recently donated, so I've built up some courage to post some content I'd like to contribute. I'm expecting this to be perfect, and it most likely will need a lot of editing to make it worthy of the game, but if I can help even a little then I'd like to do so. I have only one scene so far but a lot of ideas from it, please let me know what you think.

As you continue your search through the city, the sound of combat rings out from a nearby alleyway. At first about to leave the potential trouble behind, the sound of snarling and barking from one of the canines roaming the streets combined with the sound of ringing metal piques your interest. It almost sounds like someone is wearing full metal armor as they fight the creature. Hoping for another survivor, you run to the side of the alley and peek in at the battle.

While your guess on the canine was correct, one of the German Shepards to be exact, his opponent doesn't seem human at all. Like something out of an anime, a fully metallic robot crouched in a hand-to-hand combat stance. The metal creature's joints were too small to be used as armor, tipping it away as being animated by the same nanites that were in everything these days. Though how a miniaturized mecha would be created of all things boggled the mind.

The German Shepard suddenly struck out for the robot's head with a clawed hand, though the move seemed anticipated. With the surprising agility seen in martial artists, the mecha grabbed incoming arm and used its momentum to flip the canine onto it's back on the ground. It seemed that, despite being made completely of metal, the robot possessed a range of movement that could only be attributed to the nanites' influence.

Now that it had turned, you can see the metal warrior's face. Though the bottom half was covered in the stereotypical smooth metal mask, a visor right above had two glowing blue lights that must have been its eyes. The outer parts of the helmet lacked a lot of the ornamentation usually seen, though some paint on the right side just past the visor seemed to be marking something. From the distance, though, it was unclear.

The Shepard launched into a series of attacks again, trying to overpower the robot and end the fight quickly. Again, his actions seem anticipated as the mecha either deflected the blows or diverted them so the canine would trip or run into a wall. The constant movement showed off the rest of the metallic warrior's armor, again oddly lacking in ornamentation which made it seem of all things slender and smooth. Only what looked like extra panels of armor on the waist of the robot seemed like they should be there, covering the crotch and rear especially well.

Any thought as to why leaves your mind quickly as the robot slams the canine against the wall one last time, dazing the creature and causing it to crumple to the ground completely helpless. Knowing what usually comes next, you wonder if the metallic warrior even has what is needed to take advantage of his fallen opponent. As the Shepard is moved, almost gently, to be spread-eagled on the ground for easy access it seems obvious that the mecha has some means of penetration.

As the robot leans down to the back of the Shepard, at this angle all you can see is the plates at it's crotch moving aside as a metallic penis slides into position. Clearly a male at the very least, the victor strokes the canine's fur almost lovingly as it slowly slides to bury completely inside. He pauses, letting the Shepard adjust and to let it's whining subside a bit before starting to thrust. The mecha starts slow, moving the both of them as needed to make his defeated opponent more comfortable as he tries to find the right angles for thrusting.

You can't seem to understand why the robot is being so gentle with a creature you know would not have been if the positions had been reversed. Before long the Shepard is panting hard and growling, pushing back into each thrust as if craving even more of the metallic member pounding into him quicker and quicker. The mecha shifts slightly as he reaches around to stroke the canine's rock hard cock in time with each movement, trying to give his opponent the most pleasure he can.

With one final shift and thrust the metallic lover finds his mark, the Shepard yelling as his orgasm sprays cum down the alley for an impressive distance. Seemingly not yet enough for him, the robot keeps thrusting into that same spot as his stroking intensifies, soon coaxing out another load of the canine seed. You can't see it's mask clearly but it almost seems like its reddened slightly, like a blush. Could a robot blush? It's definitely a question you never thought you'd ever ask yourself before.

The display goes on for nearly a half hour, the mecha painting the walls of the alley with his opponent's seed before he speeds up himself. A few more thrusts later and he buries as deep as he can in his defeated lover, holding the furred body close he obviously releases his metallic cum. He pulls the Shepard closer into seemingly a cuddle, the other having obviously been so spent he's already passed out from the sheer amount of orgasms.

You take this time to sneak away, give the lovers some time to cuddle. While nothing about that encounter seemed right to you, you chalk it up to the chaotic nature of your environment for making anything possible. You wonder if you'll see any more of the strange mecha warrior, at the very least he seems like he'd make an amazing lover if your paths ever crossed.


I tried to make it generic to start with so it could be altered to fit into an area it would be needed in, if it gets accepted. I'll be honest, I've never posted my writing anywhere before so I hope it's at least readable. I'd like any feedback I can get, please, as my main goal is to become a better writer. Thank you for your time.
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Wahn » Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:06 pm

This looks good and is almost typo-free, nicely done. Though you're jumping a bit back and forth with the tense it is written in - FS content is generally in present tense.

Give me a few minutes to give it a once-over and add in the code bits needed...
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Insalius » Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:19 pm

Thank you. I'll admit that the different tenses can get to me sometimes, so I'll focus on improving that for future writing.
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Wahn » Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:27 pm

Another little thing to look out for is repetition of the same word multiple times within one sentence or paragraph. For example "sound" in the first section - sound of barking, sound of metal and in the next sentence it sounds too. Better to find a synonym to replace at least one of those...
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Insalius » Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:32 pm

I thought something was a bit off. Usually I'm better with those...I'll keep that in mind for the future as well. I suppose this kind of thing happens when your only proof-reader is yourself...I have to say, so far this is a lot of good advice, I'm glad I ventured out like this.
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Wahn » Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:46 pm

Okay, here's your writing stuffed into the code bits for an event: I also switched around a few sentences as suggestions... hope you won't take it badly that I've doctored around at your work. As a note, the [WaitLineBreak] will insert either a "Wait for any key" or a line break (depending on the player's settings). I do recommend making regular use of that, to split your texts into manageable chunks the player can read in peace - that's much better than just filling a whole screen at once, which may frighten off people from reading such a massive amount of text.

Code: Select all
Mecha Mating is a situation. The level of Mecha Mating is 1.
The Mecha Mating is "Outside".
when play begins:
   add Mecha Mating it badspots of guy;

Instead of resolving a Mecha Mating:
   say "     As you continue your search through the city, the sound of combat rings out from a nearby alleyway. At first about to leave the potential trouble behind, the snarls and barks of what must be one of the canines roaming the streets combined with the sound of ringing metal piques your interest. It almost sounds like someone is wearing full metal armor as they fight the creature. Hoping for another survivor, you run to the side of the alley and peek in at the battle.";
   say "     While your guess on the canine was correct, one of the German Shepherds to be exact, his opponent doesn't seem human at all. Like something out of an anime, it is a fully metallic robot crouched in a hand-to-hand combat stance. The metal creature's joints are too small to allow a human body to fit inside the armor, giving it away as being animated by the same nanites that are in everything these days. Though how a miniaturized mecha would be created of all things boggled the mind.";
   say "     Then the German Shepherd suddenly strikes out for the robot's head with a clawed hand, a move that his opponent clearly anticipated. With the surprising agility seen in martial artists, the mecha grabs the incoming arm and uses its momentum to flip the canine onto his back, landing on the ground with a thud. Seems like, despite being made completely of metal, the robot does possess a very fluent and graceful range of movement. Must be an effect of the nanites influence.";
   say "     [WaitLineBreak]";
   say "     Having turned during its manoeuvre, you can see the metal warrior's face - the bottom half is covered in a stereotypical smooth metal mask, while a visor right above has two glowing blue lights that must be its eyes. The outer parts of the helmet lack any of the elaborate ornamentation usually seen in anime and comics, but some some paint on the right side just past the visor sees to be marking something. It's a bit hard to tell from this distance, and you don't think walking into their combat area is a good idea right now.";
   say "     Growling as he jumps up from the ground, the German Shepherd launches into a series of attacks again, trying to overpower the robot and end the fight quickly. Again, his actions seem anticipated as the mecha either deflects the blows or diverts them so the canine trips or runs into a wall or trash can. The constant movement shows off the rest of the metallic warrior's armor, again pretty bare of any decorative frills, creating a very slender and smooth look. Though there are a few extra panels of armor around the waist, which do cover his crotch and rear especially well.";
   say "     [WaitLineBreak]";
   say "     Any thought as to why leaves your mind quickly as the robot slams the canine against the wall one last time, dazing the creature and causing it to crumple to the ground completely helpless. Knowing what usually comes next, you wonder how... functional the metallic warrior is in that regard, if it even has what is needed to take advantage of his fallen opponent. As the Shepherd is moved, almost gently, to lie spread-eagled on the ground for easy access it seems obvious that the mecha has some means of penetration...";
   say "     As the robot leans down over the prostrate canine, you can see the plates at it's crotch moving aside, revealing a metallic penis that slides into position. Now revealed to be clearly a male, the victor strokes the canine's fur almost lovingly as he pushes his hips forward, slowly sliding his mechanical manhood into the anthro dog's ass until it is buried completely. He pauses for a moment, letting the Shepherd adjust to this invasion and quiet his whining down a bit before starting to thrust. The mecha starts slow, moving the both of them as needed to make his defeated opponent more comfortable as he tries to find the right angles for thrusting.";
   say "     [WaitLineBreak]";
   say "     It's a bit surprising to see how gentle the robot is with a creature you know would not have been likewise if the positions had been reversed. Before long the Shepherd is panting hard and growling, pushing back into each thrust as if craving even more of the metallic member pounding into him quicker and quicker. The mecha shifts slightly as he reaches around to stroke the canine's rock hard cock in time with each movement, trying to give his opponent the most pleasure he can.";
   say "     With one final shift and thrust the metallic lover finds his mark, bumping the German Shepherd's prostate to push him over the edge. With a lust-filled bark, he orgasms, cum spraying down the alley for an impressive distance. Seemingly not yet enough for him, the robot just keeps thrusting against that same spot as his stroking intensifies, soon coaxing out another load of the canine seed. You can't see it's mask clearly but it almost seems like its reddened slightly, like a blush. Could a robot blush? It's definitely a question you never thought you'd ever ask yourself before.";
   say "     [WaitLineBreak]";
   say "     The display goes on for nearly a half hour, the mecha painting the walls of the alley with his opponent's seed before he speeds up himself. A few more thrusts later and he buries as deep as he can in his defeated lover, holding the furred body close as he releases his metallic cum. He then pulls the Shepherd closer into seemingly a cuddle, the other having obviously been so spent he's already passed out from the sheer amount of orgasms.";
   say "     You take this time to sneak away, give the former enemies and now lovers some time to cuddle. While nothing about this whole encounter seems quite right to you, you chalk it up to the chaotic nature of your environment for making anything possible. You wonder if you'll see any more of the strange mecha warrior, at the very least he seems like he'd make an amazing lover if your paths ever crossed.";
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Wahn » Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:53 pm

Anyways, welcome aboard - I'm looking forward to seeing more from you. Any plans of making a mecha infection too, or is he supposed to be an unique npc?
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Insalius » Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:58 pm

I was hoping for a mecha infection and an npc, but I'm starting small to begin with. The idea was that these mechas were creations by fans for conventions before the nanite disaster, only now they've been given life. They're going out learning what it means to be alive so some will be nicer based on interactions while others are more brutal for the same reason. I'd planned an NPC who had just awoken and would rely on the player to help shape how they view the world, but I realize something like that would be really intensive so that wouldn't be for quite a while.
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Wahn » Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:14 pm

Yeah, good to start slowly and work up to something like that... otherwise it's easy to get bogged down and lose interest before you're done
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Insalius » Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:03 pm

I agree, and I feel that my skills aren't yet adequate for that level of contribution yet. So, I'll come up with little things here and there to get to that point. I do plan on staying around for a while, though, as I've been following the game for quite a while already. As long as I have internet, I'll be around.
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